Just Another Midnight Thought

   Yet again, here I am. It is well past midnight and instead of sleeping, I am writing because apparently that is what one does when their body will not allow them the blissfulness of sleep. 

    Still, I can appreciate these late hours of peace. It is in these hours where I truly feel the most myself. There is no need to perform for anyone, no one is constantly seeking my attention, and I can have my thoughts to myself and pray without the outer distractions getting the best of my attention. I wish that I were strong enough to take on the world the same way I do at night. In these quiet hours, I can think and plan, I choose to use these hours to be creative, I choose to use them to devote myself to God. It is so peaceful to have a time during the day (or night as the case may be), one where not a single person ever interrupts you, for you to devote to spending alone time in the word and listening to worship music and speaking to the creator of the universe. It is not that I am embarrassed by my God time, and it is not that I don’t want to share it with anyone, more than anything else it is the fact that my quiet time is so deeply personal and fragile that I want it to be a time for just me and God. I can talk about Him and with Him whenever I want, so why not save just a little piece of my time for just us? I think of it as having alone time with your best friend; when you are in group, yes you are still together, but there is always that different dynamic than when you are alone. I will always want that alone time, because that is where I cultivate my relationship with the Lord, other times in my life I sue to cultivate relationships with other and the Lord. I hope so badly that eventually I can be the same person in the daylight that I am in the dark, the person that is unashamed of speaking for the Lord, the person that is guided by Him and His word, the person that prays and hopes and plans because she has been given a promise that her God has a plan for her. I am not that person yet though, I hide behind bright quiet smiles and loud jokes at my own expense. Not because I am ashamed of the gospel, but because my faith that God will work through me has not yet become the action of someone who truly believes it-as much as I utterly desire that for my life. Still, until that person is spurred into action by God, I will remain grateful for these midnight hours. These midnight thoughts. The ones where I am bold and free and faithful. Lord, thank you for each day you give me and thank you for the strength to take the time to be in your word. Sometimes it is hard to want to give up these hours when life seems to be going poorly, but when I do give them up despite how crappy my day may have been, I always feel like it was worth it. Worth every second, worth every star shone minute. Goodnight.